Looking Through The Rear-view Mirror
I started using “Drugs” at a very young age, around 11 years old. My father had passed away when I was just 5 years old, and my mother had met my stepfather when I was 8 . We where living in Toronto at the time, and at age 11 we moved to Phoenix Arizona, for the heat and desert atmosphere that it abundantly provides. It was there that I started using substance. It was not the move to Phoenix that started me using, “I probably would have gone down the same path had I remained in Canada,” although drugs where readily available, being only 4 hours north of the Mexican border.
At first it was marijuana and alcohol, but soon I was seeking stronger and stronger substances, until, I had become a full-blown Heroin and Cocaine addict in my early 20’s. My addiction lasted most of my life, some 43 years in total.
“Drugs helped me cope, as a matter of fact, they have kept me from committing suicide at various times throughout my life.”
I have lost businesses, homes, a wife, a brother, the respect of my children, and my sense of dignity alone the way. I have had periods of being extremely productive, savouring the fruits of family and business along the way only to be reminded of the vulnerability that this lifestyle afforded. Drugs helped me cope, as a matter of fact, they have kept me from committing suicide at various times throughout my life. I hadn’t realize that I had been suffering from that incidence of Childhood Trauma all the while. Drugs made me feel normal. I was able to function, to cope with the overwhelming sadness, anxiety, and accompanying depression that was occurring daily.
This cycle of sadness, anxiety and depression, tamed by Narcotics lasted some 43 years. Back in the day there was no recognition of the impact of childhood traumas. The only emotional trauma that was being spoken of, was “Shell Shock,” and that was for “War Veterans,” certainly not children. So at that time, my emotional trauma’s remained rampant, unchecked, and thoroughly self-medicated for decades to come. I moved back to Canada in my early 30’s and I did manage to have a period of abstinence from Heroin and Cocaine, I got married, had two kids, started a contracting company, but that all ended for me while separating from my wife some 10 years ago. That’s when “Holly Hell Broke Loose” for me. 10 more years of addiction, self-depreciation, homelessness and near death.